Will My Real Girlfriend Please Stand Up? (A Guide for Guys)

Posted: September 29, 2010 in Guest Post, Personal, Relationships

By Portia B.

This is one of my favorite posts I read over the past two years.  Its witty, its true, and it never gets old.  When I first read this I immediately fell in love with the writer. Clearly, I thought, she knows her women . . .

The women you date may come in different shapes and sizes; hail from different parts of the nation, even the world. But when you’re spending some one-on-one time with her, you want to know the real deal. After all the dinner dates and few casual encounters, who is she truly? Will the both of you make it? I’ve classified all women into a sweeping generalization of nine distinct categories. Chances are you can find your lady amongst one of these and eventually figure out if you should linger or leave.

The I’m-A-Lot-Smarter-Than-I-Look Chick

[katherine_heigl_1.jpg]This girl looks like a scene-queen, dresses from Paris or maybe dresses like Paris. She’ll hang out till 4 am, laugh at stupid jokes and be very up to par on shows you could care less about, like The Hills. Looks can be deceiving; underneath this mask is a wickedly smart lady. Book smart, street smart, money smart, you name the topic and she’ll make Wikipedia seem uninformed. She hides her intelligence as a way of social adaptation, and to not intimidate men who scare easily. The good to dating her is that, like a chameleon, she can fit in anywhere. She can hold her own conversation at a corporate dinner party, or play beer pong in your mother’s basement.  She’s probably the one you should marry, but you’re not smart enough to recognize it at the time, so you decide to date…

The I-Used-To-Be-Ugly-and-Now-I’m-Hot Chick

[be-ugly-beatty-shirt.jpg]She’s smokin’ hot. You feel the urge to drool. You often wonder how you got her. In fact, you think you’re not worthy. Until one day you see an old picture of her and cringe. How could that be the same person? Rest assured, she hasn’t had 10 surgeries in one day (unless you’re dating Heidi Montag). She’s beyond the days of AquaNet and braces, and transformed into a true swan.  So don’t concern yourself over what she looked like in 10th grade. Chances are you had a case of acne or poor hair grooming decisions. The upside to dating her is you’re incredibly attracted to her. The downside to dating her is that she might be insecure over who she was, and might overcompensate by being very showy, or constantly seek validation.

The My-Ex-Boyfriend-Was-a-Cheater-So-You-Must-Be Chick

[halle_berry_9.jpg]So she’s slightly jaded from the former jerk that cheated on her. She thought she was over it, did her little song-and-dance with her girlfriends about how men are Satan. Eventually she tired and realized she missed dating and loved men. Enter: you. Be wary if you’re the first guy she dates after the cheater, she will be disgustingly suspicious. Who can blame her? Being betrayed sucks, and our natural instincts work towards self-preservation. She wants to make sure it never happens again. Still, you shouldn’t have to be a scapegoat for someone else’s blunder. Be sincere with her and we regret to have to say this to you, but just in case it hadn’t occurred to you, do not cheat on her. Not unless you plan on recruiting members to the man-hating society. The pro of dating her is that she’ll be super loyal. The golden rule typically plays here. The con to dating her is that she might misdirect her revenge and cheat on you. If she doesn’t do that, she might be quick to place blame and look at you with squinting eyes when you tell her you were out late with the boys. Be prepared to have an alibi.

The-I’m-One-of-the-Dudes Chick

[jodie_foster_02.jpg]She prides herself on being one of the guys. Before meeting you most of her friends were guys, and after meeting you, her circle has expanded to your male friends as well. She watches football, guzzles beer, checks out other women, and has a fierce competitive spirit. She’s the eternal tomboy. Hanging with her is so easy because there’s the element of friendship plus attraction. Hopefully, right? If she’s so busy burping the alphabet, you may wistfully want to see a more feminine side that may hardly surface. The good thing about dating her is you don’t have to censor yourself in her presence. She doesn’t get grossed out or offended when you fart. The bad thing about dating her is that you may not want her at every guy-gathering. If she’s always crashing your bro-bonding, you may grow to resent it.

The Commitment-Free Chick

You will automatically label her as hard to get. She lives her life to the fullest, travels, works, has a busy schedule, and somehow manages to fit you on her blackberry calendar. Your dates consist of 11pm rendezvous’ at a wine bar, strategically located between her job and apartment. She’ll tell you she doesn’t want a commitment. She’ll tell you there is too much going on in her life. She’ll tell you she’s a free spirit. Do notfall in this trap. Repeat. Twice. You’ll soon discover she eventually wants to settle down but doesn’t want you crowding her space initially. The wonderful thing about dating her is that, you can date other women and not feel guilty about it! The difficult thing about dating her is that , you may want to commit, or may want someone a little more involved in your life, rather than sporadic dates here and there.

The Foreign Chick

[shakira.jpg]Thank goodness for globalization. Or airplanes for that matter.  Your Brazilian, French or Australian girl is incredibly sexy, the way she rolls her r’s is hypnotizing. But it’s also the different culture and perspective that makes you appreciate her. You always feel exotic and relaxed as if you’re on vacation around her. She may have moved to U.S. soil for school, a Victoria’s Secret job or maybe you found her on Facebook. You realize history lessons would have been a lot more interesting in high school if they brought in natives from other countries to teach. Your friends are all jealous. What you need to control, though, is your competitive urge to find out what her male counterparts look like.  The great thing about dating her is how much worldly exposure you’ve gained from her. You start watching futbol even when it’s not World Cup season. The not-so-great thing about dating her is that she might not get some of the cultural references if there’s a language barrier. She might also want to go back to her mother-land, leaving you girlfriend-less.

The Eternal-Student Chick

[clueless4a.JPG]You met her at college. You were just friends. You both graduated. You got a job. She got a masters degree. You got a second job. She got a PhD. This woman has yet to face the real world because she’s nestled in the world of academia. You kept bumping into each other at local bars, until you figured out it was fated to date. She makes you miss school, if only because it means not dealing with a psychotic boss and working long hours nuking your stale coffee. She also restores your youth by keeping you in the loop with what kids are doing nowadays. It doesn’t hurt that you secretly admire how cerebral she is. You’ll love dating her because you’re automatically smarter because of it. She has a more flexible schedule than you and thus can be very spontaneous. You’ll hate dating her because she won’t have any money, will complain incessantly about professors and occasionally check out the guys on campus.

The Damsel-in-Distress Chick

[jayma.gif]This cute lady is sensitive and has a low shock tolerance. You met her by rescuing her puppy from becoming road kill, or carrying her groceries on a cold Sunday morning. You’re drawn to how cute and helpless she is. She’ll make you feel like a hero, which comes in handy when other areas of life seem to tell you you’re not. You’re good at being protective, and this chick will always give you new material. The warm and fuzzy thing about her is that she really is endearing and will bake you cookies just because it’s Wednesday.  Just thinking about her brings a smile to your face. The annoying thing about her neediness and lack of self- sufficiency, is that the woe-is-me act gets old, fast.

The Sex-Maniac Chick

[Carmen-Electra-2.jpg]You know what they say about saving the best for last. Everyone should date her at one point or another. She’s not afraid of her sexuality and more so not afraid to take you along for the ride (ha). She wants to do it in the coat check room, on the train, any where at least 1.5 people can fit. No fantasy is too kinky for her to fullfill. She’ll never complain about her butt being too big or her hair frizzing; she’s completely comfortable in her skin. The awesome thing about dating her is self-explanatory. The only drawback is you might lack the energy to work, talk, walk, or function in any way. However, if she makes you a sandwich after a marathon, marry her.

Conclusion

If you’re in denial that your girlfriend is one of these women, she’s either a hybrid or a liar.  Regardless, it’s your discretion in dating that will allow you to be successful. Like a good suit, a woman that fits you well reflects your style, adds confidence and feels freeing. An ill-suited mate feels awkward, binding and forced.  At the very least, you’ll learn about yourself in the process and it will allow you to reflect about what you bring to the table. Until then, enjoy yourself and hopefully you’re getting as much action as your credit card.

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