As I am roamed the internet for new material today, I visited my usual daily sites, blog, sources of inspiration.  Nothing really inspiring, except for one piece by Portia B., Quid Pro Quo.  Since on a personal level I had a series of mishaps happen in my life recently, and I have been in this rediscovering myself mode, I figured maybe I should write my own version of the consensual business agreement (CBA).  Hell, this might help me realize what I want, or willing to accept or not avoid all together.

Preamble Clauses

It is best to refer to my previously stated list of requirements in my previous post, the perfect woman.  With that out of the way, lets get somethings clear.  First, this might be a CBA, but this is still a relationship, it is not a tit-for-tat, not an eye for an eye, or a long-term barter deal.  Some people actually are selfless, and other who are usually selfish that learn to be selfless for someone special.

Second, I am modern man, meaning that I cook and can feed many people, I clean, I do my own laundry and I fold it meticulously, in a sense the dream of the modern woman came true, I don’t need you to do anything for me.  Never mind the fact that none of modern women can actually do any of these tasks.  Additionally, I don’t need your feminine touch, I have a good taste in art, I am well groomed and know how to shop for my self.  See, the woman, aside from the sex part is becoming obsolete, if we are talking in terms of man-needs of course.

Finally, the very simple way of making my self happy is to maintain no strings attached to any person.  This is the shortest line between point a to point b.  If you have no agape in your life, I guess one can then rely on a corporate style CBA, based on the give and take sufficing needs and such.

Terms of the contract are as follows

1. Do not cut me off your life every time we get the littlest of arguments, or the most colossal of detrimental events.  This in its self is a form of emotional terrorism.  And you know what The Strict Machine always says: “Say No to Emotional Terrorism!”  Blocking me off facebook, twitter, gtalk, etc is childish, immature, and most importantly shows how much you are really vested in this “CBA”.

2. You must love me when I have nothing, because one day I will have a lot, it is mandated on me.  Then I will not know what you (who ever you are) is in it for.  If you do not respect me for what I am as a person, you are not worth my time, and I need not worry about your respect or your interest for that matter.

3. Know that any woman who thinks it is her right to infringe on her significant other’s non-threating habits, ie. watching movies, playing a sport, etc is mildly delusional, narcessitic, and out of touch with reality.  Lets face it, most girls don’t like to do the awesome & cool stuff boys like to do, even though when they do they are great at it.  For example, I would like to spend my honeymoon in a hotel room that you can only reach with scuba diving gear, but I don’t think any girl I will marry will do that.  The point is, you cannot control someone you love, not because of  the lack of ability to control, but because you don’t love them.

4. Learn to listen, learn to actually use your ears. Learn the fact that if someone loves you, they are not being stubborn, learn that there you might actually be with a person who has a higher moral caliber than you do.  It is ok, you can accept it, none of us are perfect.  Know that I am good at persuasion, but I would never use that skill set on the people I love.  Keep this information in mind every time we get in an argument or we sit at a relaxed gay-bar to reminisce over my past mistakes and transgressions against you.

5. Keep this cardinal rule with you till the day you die.  If you want to be more than a disposable pest, don’t talk about family secrets. Its simple really.  Family/couple/state secrets are secrets for a reason, if you want to play that game called house one day, you better show that you are worthy of trust.  Trust comes with honesty not purity or the lack of mistakes.  If you can’t keep your mouth shut about the good, the bad & the ugly, I will go find someone who can.  They actually exist.

6. People indeed don’t cheat overnight, although some do, but mostly don’t.  It is always something deeper.  That said, know that honesty trumps cheating.  Love begets forgiveness, and that is how I operate.  If you like it you like it, if you don’t, the runway is that way.  That is not said to undermine the seriousness and the gravity of a cheater’s cruelty, there is nothing that justifies it.

7. Understand the fact that you are not righteous.  Don’t go on a I’m-holier-than-thou bender, don’t try to impress me with your ability to start spitting your rhetoric at me at the first sign of a mistake or weakness.  It gets old, and shows the hollowness behind it.  Its like snake oil medicine, its fake, especially when it happens every time, without-fail, I make a mistake no matter how big or small it is.

8. Realize that, whether we like it or not, there is a difference between the various statuses of a relationship, ie. seeing someone, dating, being in a serious relationship, being engaged, being married, and finally being divorced.  If this was not the case, women would not want be so eager to get married, or be in a serious relationship.  Also, if that was not true, men would not be so afraid of a serious relationship/marriage, this is because realize the magnitude of the difference in status.  With every variance in status come different and more complex obligations, things change to the better, or they at least should.  Things become more serious.  Like it or not, this is reality.

9. Know that I am honest, also know that this honesty results in me telling you the truth, which leads to undesirable consequences for none-confrontational individuals.  If you have friends I don’t like, I will express it in a nice way, unless there is a need to express it affluently.  It will not be brought up unless there is a need to.  Don’t expect me to like friends or family members of yours who sent me hate letters, were unwelcoming for illogical reasons, etc.  Don’t expect me to like friends who are a bad influence on you, however you are an adult, you can hang out with who ever you please, but drug addicts, soulless humans, and scumbags I won’t like whether they are your friends or not.  Its not personal.  Finally, don’t forget that I will frequently express my appreciation of great people in your life.  Again, this is not to please you, and this isn’t personal.

10. Know that: I eat. I pray. I love. I drink. I play. I fuck.  It’s just that I don’t have to get divorced and go to India to discover my spirituality, or travel to find good food, find the love of my life, or a fun time.  I can do all of this stuff in the comfort of my household, well maybe not the love of my life part.

11. Know that I know that I am awesome, also know that you are a ball of awesomeness.  That said, it is important to note that most people have children because they are selfish, additionally post people love their children because they are narcissistic and severely self absorbed.  They have children to extend their legacy, not to leave the world with a good human, or give the freedoms that they lacked to another generation.  It takes courage to be a great artist, and parenting is no science, it is an art.  As any other for of art, it takes great courage to be a great parent.

P.S. I might not need you to do anything for me, but I want you to, and more importantly, I need you emotionally.  This is something that men fail to highlight, and women fail to see.

Don’t under estimate the power of a little lie.  If it is leaked, it can easily snow ball into a nightmare that neither of us could handle.  Just keep that in mind.


What should have come first, but didn’t: The Vixen

Earlier, I spoke of no historical references, but the first will always be the first, and that is you.  Really should have put you first, but you didn’t, so I didn’t either.

We were young, so young, so rebellious, angry, clean, pure, and seeking the ugliness of the world.  You were defintely my first “love”.  I remember crying my self to sleep while holding something you gave me the night our world ended.  So gay!

Lets see, where should I start? What is the most important event between us? It wasn’t the you cheating on me with a friend, or me forgiving you, or that you dumped me a week later.  Maybe it was the fact you came to church with me, or we made-out for hours on end, or the fact that I considered being with you the rest of my life.  None of that I think.  It was probably the fact that you were an eye opener for me, you showed me that it is not all peaches and cream, or that romance trumps all.  I loathed your existence for months, but now I thank you everyday.

It is sad to see what you were disappear, you have become something completely different than I remember.  Your tolerant self is replaced with a hateful one, you have become aggressive and a patrol of the wrong cultural side.  It was bound to happen, you were pushing the boundaries of darkness, I tried to stay the course with you, but I couldn’t, I had to eject.

Who knows who will be featured in the next episode of the series.  It is really getting hairy from this point on . . .

AlyFilaDJ/Producer duo Ali & Fila are rising to stardom faster than any of us could keep up with.  We ought to be so proud of these guys, who we used to listen to back when we still sported our 28.8k Motorola modems.  Now the boys have grown, and well established start DJs like Armin Van Buuren have recognized their talent a long time ago.  With the release of their debut album, Rising Sun, in May, 2010, Ali & Fila‘s recognition is on the rise.  Check the amazing video of fans from all over the world that enjoy their amazing work at the end of the post.  Egypt should be as proud of them as much as they are proud to be Egyptian.  If you couldn’t tell, every other picture they post has a strikingly Egyptian element in it, ie. a pyramid or something.

Hopefully I will get to score the interview I am dying to get with them and post here on  Untill then, go out support their great talent and buy their album, Rising sun.  After all we have been downloading their mixes and music for free for over a decade!

Keep up the amazing work guys, you make us all proud!

Second entry: The Spy

Ohhhh you . . . You flipped my life upside down,
inside out, irrational and unwise.  I might be writing this due to my recent brush with Miss Congeniality or the recent mishaps with Miss Beautiful Disaster, but in reality your spirit is behind any creativity in this post.  Aside from the fact that you introduced me to “The Face Book”, back when no one knew what it was, no other human has inspired me to write so affectionately as much as you have.  Short and sweet it was, maybe it meant nothing to little to you, but for me the impact was impeccably sensational.  Only a couple of months long, with long winded “love” letters travelling back and forth, flying to  random cities to live the moment, laying in bed, sharing headphones, consuming the lavish room-service main course with our young hands instead the cutlery we dropped on the floor a few minutes before.

Come to think of it, I won that battle of the roses.  My letters in the end trumped yours, and you stopped putting as much effort in them, even though you continued on calling.  Maybe it was because calls where not recorded like our words were, maybe its due to the fact that I spent hours on hours in sleepless night to craft those letters?  You did not have the time, you were young and on a mission, I was wrapping up mine and getting ready to start a stable life.  Six years later, I see you.  You are older, you are wiser, you are less of a loose canon, yet your eyes are the same and your heart isn’t.

For some reason, it is much easier to write about you,  maybe its the comfort that I have all our letters saved, or perhaps that I know that you are the one that doesn’t hold a grudge against me.  What ever it is, it made it easier to write you up first.

Way back then, in the hotel room, in the Rome of this century we told jokes:

The Spy: “What is one Palestinian in the sea?” . . .”Polution”.  “What is all Palestinians in the sea?”  . . . “Solution”

The Strict Machine: “Well . . . How many Jews can you fit in a BMW”.  “Two in the front, two in the back seat, and 96 in the ashtray”

We laugh. We sleep. We are gone the next day. Forever gone.

Next episode will discuss the one and only, The Vixen . . .

‎”Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being ‘in love,’ which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” –St. Augustine

I wanted to do this for a while.  Instead of just living the memories in my mind, write them down, lest I forget, lest I render them, shape them or mold them to fit what I have become.  Putting my inhibitions aside, forgetting the notion, that our emotions can be kept at bay, or swept away.

Due to emotionally horrific events that occurred recently, and after deep thought, I decided to write about the most influential relationship I had over the past ten years and share them, bare, with the world.  This is the least I owe my self, my memories, and the ones who molded and sculpted my perception of relationships, more importantly my self and what I need.  This will probably require more than one post, I figured I could start with the ones that crashed and burned a long time ago.  The ones that I am at 100% peace with.  There certainly be a second installment, if not more.

This will be a series of posts, episodes if you will.  I will neither go in order of impact magnitude nor historical lineage.  Also, don’t assume intimacy or the lack of which.  This will be a spew of memories, just how like my unfiltered brain works every day.  These are memories that will stay with me till either I or the world ends, which ever comes first.

Without any further verbosity, here is subject number one: Miss Congeniality

For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to this very unique creature with the initials MC, for Miss Congeniality.  Its a damn shame she asked me to delete all our pictures together when “our” world ended.  There was this perfect picture of our feet toying around in the Venice Beach, CA sand, with the Pacific Ocean as the background.  Long lost now thanks to feminine emotions and me keeping my word.  There were so many pictures that are long gone, completely erased from the history of mankind, forever gone.

The pictures might have been deleted, but the memories are safe in my brain.  This superlative connection ended because of one thing, and one thing only, the epic, ever-old clash of religions.  She is on one side of the thick red line, and I am on the other, she wanted to ignore it, but my experience with The Vixen hardened me and made me realize that it is not possible to work it out.  People fool themselves everyday thinking that they can make things work even if their core beliefs are completely different.  It is possible, but then, there is always something at the bottom of your heart that you don’t fully share.  It does not matter if you come from the same religious/cultural back ground, this is not the trick here, its what is in your heart and mind.

You are owed this much, you were the first woman to show me the real meaning of comfort, the true meaning of passion.  You were so bright, smart and witty, and I was so proud of it.  My friend heard my many words about you, when he saw you first he said “I hear you are really smart, now tell me something smart”.

It was your attention to the details, I buy a box of fortune cookies on a rainy day, you send me a silver fortune-cookie ornament in my birthday gift package.  The Christmas card that I yelled at you for sending, the call after my first debate and my face on TV.  The hell you had to go through to spend time with me.  It was your unwavering attempts to make me happy on my birthday, your acceptance when I told you I was sick and contagious.

The memory of you & I playing in the waves, on an isolated beach, then one wave carying your little body and dropping you so hard that you broke your ankle, I had to carry you till I couldn’t, I had to leave you alone to get help.  Then at the hospital you assumed my last name for the official records.  We smiled, we laughed, you were in pain, yet still making my world such a happy place.  You were falling apart, and I forced you to carry on, on a wheel chair I put you on an airplane.  It was the last time I saw you in that way, with the eyes of a lover.

Needless to say, this was probably the relationship that continues to define me the most till this day.  You made me realize what I want in woman, I want you, maybe not entirely, but you set the standard pretty damn high.  I know one day you will be present in my funeral.  Many women are cursing your living daylights every waking day after you came into my life.  It makes me so happy.

Next entry will discuss The Spy.  Stay tuned . . .

By Portia B.

This is one of my favorite posts I read over the past two years.  Its witty, its true, and it never gets old.  When I first read this I immediately fell in love with the writer. Clearly, I thought, she knows her women . . .

The women you date may come in different shapes and sizes; hail from different parts of the nation, even the world. But when you’re spending some one-on-one time with her, you want to know the real deal. After all the dinner dates and few casual encounters, who is she truly? Will the both of you make it? I’ve classified all women into a sweeping generalization of nine distinct categories. Chances are you can find your lady amongst one of these and eventually figure out if you should linger or leave.

The I’m-A-Lot-Smarter-Than-I-Look Chick

[katherine_heigl_1.jpg]This girl looks like a scene-queen, dresses from Paris or maybe dresses like Paris. She’ll hang out till 4 am, laugh at stupid jokes and be very up to par on shows you could care less about, like The Hills. Looks can be deceiving; underneath this mask is a wickedly smart lady. Book smart, street smart, money smart, you name the topic and she’ll make Wikipedia seem uninformed. She hides her intelligence as a way of social adaptation, and to not intimidate men who scare easily. The good to dating her is that, like a chameleon, she can fit in anywhere. She can hold her own conversation at a corporate dinner party, or play beer pong in your mother’s basement.  She’s probably the one you should marry, but you’re not smart enough to recognize it at the time, so you decide to date…

The I-Used-To-Be-Ugly-and-Now-I’m-Hot Chick

[be-ugly-beatty-shirt.jpg]She’s smokin’ hot. You feel the urge to drool. You often wonder how you got her. In fact, you think you’re not worthy. Until one day you see an old picture of her and cringe. How could that be the same person? Rest assured, she hasn’t had 10 surgeries in one day (unless you’re dating Heidi Montag). She’s beyond the days of AquaNet and braces, and transformed into a true swan.  So don’t concern yourself over what she looked like in 10th grade. Chances are you had a case of acne or poor hair grooming decisions. The upside to dating her is you’re incredibly attracted to her. The downside to dating her is that she might be insecure over who she was, and might overcompensate by being very showy, or constantly seek validation.

The My-Ex-Boyfriend-Was-a-Cheater-So-You-Must-Be Chick

[halle_berry_9.jpg]So she’s slightly jaded from the former jerk that cheated on her. She thought she was over it, did her little song-and-dance with her girlfriends about how men are Satan. Eventually she tired and realized she missed dating and loved men. Enter: you. Be wary if you’re the first guy she dates after the cheater, she will be disgustingly suspicious. Who can blame her? Being betrayed sucks, and our natural instincts work towards self-preservation. She wants to make sure it never happens again. Still, you shouldn’t have to be a scapegoat for someone else’s blunder. Be sincere with her and we regret to have to say this to you, but just in case it hadn’t occurred to you, do not cheat on her. Not unless you plan on recruiting members to the man-hating society. The pro of dating her is that she’ll be super loyal. The golden rule typically plays here. The con to dating her is that she might misdirect her revenge and cheat on you. If she doesn’t do that, she might be quick to place blame and look at you with squinting eyes when you tell her you were out late with the boys. Be prepared to have an alibi.

The-I’m-One-of-the-Dudes Chick

[jodie_foster_02.jpg]She prides herself on being one of the guys. Before meeting you most of her friends were guys, and after meeting you, her circle has expanded to your male friends as well. She watches football, guzzles beer, checks out other women, and has a fierce competitive spirit. She’s the eternal tomboy. Hanging with her is so easy because there’s the element of friendship plus attraction. Hopefully, right? If she’s so busy burping the alphabet, you may wistfully want to see a more feminine side that may hardly surface. The good thing about dating her is you don’t have to censor yourself in her presence. She doesn’t get grossed out or offended when you fart. The bad thing about dating her is that you may not want her at every guy-gathering. If she’s always crashing your bro-bonding, you may grow to resent it.

The Commitment-Free Chick

You will automatically label her as hard to get. She lives her life to the fullest, travels, works, has a busy schedule, and somehow manages to fit you on her blackberry calendar. Your dates consist of 11pm rendezvous’ at a wine bar, strategically located between her job and apartment. She’ll tell you she doesn’t want a commitment. She’ll tell you there is too much going on in her life. She’ll tell you she’s a free spirit. Do notfall in this trap. Repeat. Twice. You’ll soon discover she eventually wants to settle down but doesn’t want you crowding her space initially. The wonderful thing about dating her is that, you can date other women and not feel guilty about it! The difficult thing about dating her is that , you may want to commit, or may want someone a little more involved in your life, rather than sporadic dates here and there.

The Foreign Chick

[shakira.jpg]Thank goodness for globalization. Or airplanes for that matter.  Your Brazilian, French or Australian girl is incredibly sexy, the way she rolls her r’s is hypnotizing. But it’s also the different culture and perspective that makes you appreciate her. You always feel exotic and relaxed as if you’re on vacation around her. She may have moved to U.S. soil for school, a Victoria’s Secret job or maybe you found her on Facebook. You realize history lessons would have been a lot more interesting in high school if they brought in natives from other countries to teach. Your friends are all jealous. What you need to control, though, is your competitive urge to find out what her male counterparts look like.  The great thing about dating her is how much worldly exposure you’ve gained from her. You start watching futbol even when it’s not World Cup season. The not-so-great thing about dating her is that she might not get some of the cultural references if there’s a language barrier. She might also want to go back to her mother-land, leaving you girlfriend-less.

The Eternal-Student Chick

[clueless4a.JPG]You met her at college. You were just friends. You both graduated. You got a job. She got a masters degree. You got a second job. She got a PhD. This woman has yet to face the real world because she’s nestled in the world of academia. You kept bumping into each other at local bars, until you figured out it was fated to date. She makes you miss school, if only because it means not dealing with a psychotic boss and working long hours nuking your stale coffee. She also restores your youth by keeping you in the loop with what kids are doing nowadays. It doesn’t hurt that you secretly admire how cerebral she is. You’ll love dating her because you’re automatically smarter because of it. She has a more flexible schedule than you and thus can be very spontaneous. You’ll hate dating her because she won’t have any money, will complain incessantly about professors and occasionally check out the guys on campus.

The Damsel-in-Distress Chick

[jayma.gif]This cute lady is sensitive and has a low shock tolerance. You met her by rescuing her puppy from becoming road kill, or carrying her groceries on a cold Sunday morning. You’re drawn to how cute and helpless she is. She’ll make you feel like a hero, which comes in handy when other areas of life seem to tell you you’re not. You’re good at being protective, and this chick will always give you new material. The warm and fuzzy thing about her is that she really is endearing and will bake you cookies just because it’s Wednesday.  Just thinking about her brings a smile to your face. The annoying thing about her neediness and lack of self- sufficiency, is that the woe-is-me act gets old, fast.

The Sex-Maniac Chick

[Carmen-Electra-2.jpg]You know what they say about saving the best for last. Everyone should date her at one point or another. She’s not afraid of her sexuality and more so not afraid to take you along for the ride (ha). She wants to do it in the coat check room, on the train, any where at least 1.5 people can fit. No fantasy is too kinky for her to fullfill. She’ll never complain about her butt being too big or her hair frizzing; she’s completely comfortable in her skin. The awesome thing about dating her is self-explanatory. The only drawback is you might lack the energy to work, talk, walk, or function in any way. However, if she makes you a sandwich after a marathon, marry her.


If you’re in denial that your girlfriend is one of these women, she’s either a hybrid or a liar.  Regardless, it’s your discretion in dating that will allow you to be successful. Like a good suit, a woman that fits you well reflects your style, adds confidence and feels freeing. An ill-suited mate feels awkward, binding and forced.  At the very least, you’ll learn about yourself in the process and it will allow you to reflect about what you bring to the table. Until then, enjoy yourself and hopefully you’re getting as much action as your credit card.

Dude you have no Quran!

Posted: September 27, 2010 in Islam, Social Critique, USA

In light of my grim post from yesterday, highlighting what some people might do to desecrate books people hold sacred and consider holy, here is a video that made me proud of the actions of some.  Apparently, a Quran burning was scheduled to take place on September 11th, 2010 in Amarillo, TX.  As David Grisham, the alleged leader of the Quran burning mob was distracted fending off a group protesting his actions, a man described as an American skateboarder and resident of Amarillo, TX, Jacob Isom, snatched away the Quran away from the burning pit and handed it to a religious leader from the Islamic Center of Amarillo. Bad ass move I say! Here is to Isom for his hair bob, weird pony tail, seventies porn mustache, his BCGs and last but not least, his actions.  Apparently I am not the only one who is fond of his move, some DJ decided to release a remix of Isom’s couplet into a catchy tune.  Without further ado here is the DJ’s the the epic auto-tune tribute to Jacob Isom. Enjoy!

P.S. If any of you know where one can find the mp3 for this, hook it up!